(no subject)

[dorsetgirl]

 

Sam Tyler walks alone.

 

He treads the night-empty city in silence, passing alleys and entrances as the street lights gleam softly on dark leather.

 

Heels click softly as he paces Gene’s city; night and dark hide him from those who would ask questions.

 

He stops at the entry to another dark lane; a match flares, shading the planes of his face as he brings the flame closer. Sam’s lips pout as he takes his first drag, sparking Gene’s last cigarette into life.

 

Early morning mist lends crystal highlights to lashes that move faster as the familiar scented smoke wreathes around him.

 

Now the shadow of Gene paces this empty street with him, its heartbeat in Sam’s ears louder than his own. He slips quietly into a passageway, stands and waits; he hears steps behind, and turns, but the city sleeps.

 

Gene lies silent, but Sam walks on into the dark, dreams breaking and dying in the shadows.

He walks alone.

With humble apologies to Billie Joe Armstrong; I took his words and haunting imagery and fucked it up. I would like to move my writing in this direction occasionally, but I know this hasn't worked although the image is so clear in my mind. If anyone has any beta-type comments or suggestions (other than "bin it"), I'd be very pleased to hear them.
 

Comments

[mikes-grrl.livejournal.com]

I never would suggest that you bin this. It is very evocative of loneliness and desperation, and it conjures up the word 'hauting' in a variety of ways.

Maybe because this is third person objective -- you usually write third person limited. Here, you are not sharing Sam's thoughts or feelings at all, you are just showing us his actions/reactions, and we have to infer his mindset from those clues. In that regard, I personally think you did a blazingly good job.

My 2 cents, which, alas, won't even buy you a coffee.... :)

[gritsinmisery.livejournal.com]

Don't you dare bin it. It made my lower lip wobble. 'Tis brilliant.

[nepthys-uk.livejournal.com]

Oooooh - this sent shivers up my spine. Haunting, as Mikey says, and quite a different writing style from your usual. I'm not familiar with the song, but I thought this was very atmospheric and evocative, and the imagery was very strong - so it definitely worked on that front. I think I was left slightly confused as to Gene's role - am I right in thinking that its just Sam thinking about him as he walks? (am hungover today so not at my sharpest..)

[loz]

Oh yes, beautifully evocative. Like Mikey says, I like that you used third person omniscient; it's the neglected perspective of fanfic. ETA: one tiny suggestion, but maybe the confusion was deliberate; I wasn't immediately tuned into the fact it was Sam who lit Gene's cigarette, so if that was unintentional, you could say "Sam's lips pout..." However, if it is deliberate, get you with your ambiguity ;)

[silvaa.livejournal.com]

As soon as I saw the title and summary I hoped it was that song, because I love it. This was as beautiful as the song (which is pretty fucked up anyway "I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind, on the borderline of the edge and where I walk alone" ) I think you did both justice, and I especially loved this line:

Early morning mist lends crystal highlights to lashes that move faster as the familiar scented smoke wreathes around him. *mems*

[skywise012000.livejournal.com]

I'm not literary enough to make any suggestions or comments on the perspective in which you've written this.

All I can say is that it's beautiful and heartbreaking without being maudlin.

Just a tiny perfect piece of wonderfulness.

Don't you dare bin it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[saintvic.livejournal.com]

This is wonderfully atmospheric and moving and it works very well. Thank you for sharing it with us.

edzel 2 but forgot my password & can't wait to post lol

[(Anonymous)]

Defintely no bin for this - it's beautiful. I'm with you - I don't quite get the literary terminolgy (my 15 yr old son knows more about it than I do!)and since rejoining the wonderful world of fanfic reading/writing I've wished contstantly that I'd paid more attention at school and/or done further study. BUT I know what I like, and this is great. My impression of where Gene is (if I'm allowed to say?) is that he is no longer alive (sobs) which is heart-rending.
I love songs for fic inspiration, and usually write whilst listening to music. I suppose its hardly surprising that what you listen to when writing can influence the work but it took me a surprisingly long time to twig this simple fact. And don't worry, you're not alone in only just having discovered bands that have been around for ages - I've only just discovered Velvet Underground.... (yes, really, and that was only thanks to iTunes 'genuis' software which recced them to me) Oh, the shame!

[jean-geanie.livejournal.com]

This is heartbreakingly beautiful.

I think my favourite part is Sam lighting Gene's last cigarette, I love how previously health-concious Sam has been smoking the cigarettes down to Gene's last for the fleeting connection it provides.

Really, awful lonely angst but just beautifully done :)

[andres00.livejournal.com]

Creepy! It feels like very sharp thorn on my spine, no, I feel something sharp stabbing me, but I don't kno what it is. I think Sam is ghost, so the living people Gene looks like shadow to him, or the reverse? Anyway you frighten me with just 9 sentences which are so beautifull that they sounded like poem.

[dakfinv.livejournal.com]

Oh this is heartbreaking! The imagery is just so evocative. It was Sam lighting Gene's last cigarette that really tore me up. Beautiful.